How to Sleep like a Cat

Chapter 1       How sleep works

I’m not really sure why humans sleep, and don’t really care, as long as theirs doesn’t disturb mine.  I am told that sleep is necessary to process memory and to restore some of the chemical transmitters in the brain.  That probably explains why cats are so intelligent.  Mostly I just like it, especially in front of the window on a sunny day.  Even better is on top of the dining room table when the staff is not around to complain.  They are so picky about what they refer to as “hygiene”.  Since I spend much of my day cleaning myself I am insulted at the staff’s insinuation that I am “dirty” and must stay off the table.

 Chapter II      Do you have a sleep disorder? 

They say you should be able to stay awake for 14 -16 hours without a nap.  I cannot imagine why you would want to, but apparently it’s a human thing.  If you sleep most of the day and are tired the rest of the time that is normal if you are a cat.  If you are a human, that is decidedly abnormal.  Basically if you fall asleep easily and wake up refreshed and aren’t tired during the day, you’re probably getting enough sleep.  Next we’ll talk about a number of sleep disorders that cats don’t have.

Chapter III    Do you have sleep apnea?

If you snore and snort and are tired in the day, you may have sleep apnea.  If that racket you make disturbs your cat’s sleep, you can bet you will pay for that some day.  If house plants begin to die unexpectedly, small objects go missing, maybe a dead mouse shows up under the table at your next dinner party, you should get your sleep apnea fixed before something worse happens.  Like a heart attack or stroke.  Seriously, humans need to fix their sleep apnea for their sake as well as for their cat’s.  It’s easy to diagnose and treat and if left untreated can considerably increase your risk of a heart attack or a stroke.  Ask your doctor about it.

Chapter IV

Do you have insomnia?  That is a question that never would occur to a cat.  Insomnia for us is sleeping less than 20 hours a day.  Humans, weak and inferior species that they are, seem to have quite a bit of trouble sleeping.  There are, I am told, three kinds of insomnia.  One is the kind that lasts a few days and is associated with some kind of stress.  Stress is something else we cats don’t understand.  We don’t really have stress, but we may be carriers.  Stress happens to dogs all the time.  Ever see a Chihuahua?  They are born wound up tighter than Elvis Presley’s pants.  Poor things.  Anyway, insomnia that lasts a few days is usually associated with stress, like a big test coming up, or some big presentation at work (work is another concept that is absolutely foreign to us cats).  It will go away in a few days once the stress is over.  Longer term stress, like that associated with financial difficulties, problems in a relationship, or excitement about moving, etc. may last a few weeks to a couple of months and may require treatment.  I find some warm milk and a nice nap on the table does wonders, but humans seem to do best with some reassurance and maybe with some sleeping medicine for a few weeks, no more.  Insomnia that lasts 6 months or more may be serious and you really need to talk to your doctor about it.

Chapter V

Do you have restless legs syndrome?  You see cats make all sorts of adjustments in their position before lying down to sleep.  That is the sign of a real sleep expert.  Humans, I am told, sometimes have funny feelings in their legs that make them want to move their legs and moving the legs usually helps for a few minutes.  This could be restless legs syndrome (RLS).  It may not make you sleepy in the daytime but it can make it difficult to go to sleep and, much more importantly it could disturb your cat’s sleep.  Not a good plan since a cranky cat is not a pleasant sight.  

Chapter VI

Some humans are sleepy all the time, no matter how much sleep the get.  They are kind of like cats, but not nearly as intelligent or sophisticated.  If they snore, it may be sleep apnea and if the don’t it may be narcolepsy or a similar problem called hypersomnia (a fancy word that means excessively sleepy).  Unless you are a cat, you really need to get this checked out since driving sleepy is very dangerous and these problems are fairly easy to fix.

Chapter VII

Occasionally humans do some strange things in their sleep.  They do a lot of strange things then they are awake too, come to think of it.  Like getting in a shower or a tub of water.  Or shaving.  What’s up with that?  Cats would never do either one.  Oh well, back to the strange things humans sometimes do in their sleep.  Some humans walk or talk in their sleep and others seem to be acting out their dreams.  From the looks of it human dreams are pretty dull.  They don’t seem to be chasing mice or driving dogs off the property in their dreams.  Some times they claim to be running from or chasing after something in a dream and they actually are running or walking or fighting while they are still asleep.  Occasionally they will hurt themselves or someone else in the process.  Fortunately it is pretty easy to fix once the correct diagnosis is made.  Then the cats can count on the uninterrupted night’s sleep that they so richly deserve after an arduous day of napping. 

So, what can you do to sleep like a cat?  Nothing really, since you will never have the professional sleep skills that a cat is born with, but in the interest of inter-species harmony I’d like to make the following suggestions:

1. Get up about the same time every day, weekends included.  It will help if you get some bright light since that helps set the clock in your brain.  Speaking of brains, I have never understood how a creature like a cat, with a brain the size of a walnut, can dominate a species like humans which has comparatively much larger brains.  Can you imagine what we could do if our brains were that large?  Or if we had opposable thumbs? 
2. Only go to bed when you are sleepy, which for us is all the time.  Never lay in bed for more that about 20 minutes “trying to sleep” (that phrase sounds so funny to a cat – “trying to sleep”).  Get up and go sleep in the other room.  Lying in bed trying to sleep actually makes the insomnia worse, not better.  Take a look at the book suggested below for some more info.
3. Don’t nap.  This really sounds stupid to a cat, but it makes sense for humans. Maybe one 30 minute nap, but NOT while driving.  That is not is only sure to generate much unwanted excitement, it will get you killed.
4. If you snore, have insomnia, restless legs, or some other problem with sleeping or staying awake, ask your doctor about it.  Only then can you hope to sleep like a cat.